I'm pretty sure I'm almost gay. Like, I'd do it if I had no choice. Like, if i were in prison I'd try it.
Paddidles count extra in the back of a cop car
Don't worry, nothing happened....but we should have a fire extinguisher here.
I just had a heart to heart with a stripper I'm becoming a dentist.
Just realized how many men I've had sex with for the first time in St. Patty's Day past. Currently sending "HAPPY SEXIVERSARY" texts...
All I did was present the dick. You did the work. That's like thanking the pencil for a test you got an A on.
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
You have to figure out where to put this turtle dude
It was like getting a handjob from a frost giant
There's a ton of international students in my suite and I'm just sitting in this chair with no pants on eating frosted flakes
I just tried to brush my hair with a can opener. Who gave you that brownie
We had a moment of silence for all of the orgasms he gave me with his beard before he shaved it off.
I mean it could have been worse, I could have been sober.
I really wish you were home bc youre the only friend I could ask to use an at home waxing kit on my vagina. I need you.
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
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