It's a sad day when you have to slightly move your fupa to shave.
I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
I was hoping we just happened to wake up naked and I hadn't fucked him.... no such luck.
my mom took me to a gay bar and went on and on about all her good times at clubs... i now know where i get it
for future reference: even when 4 loko is flat it still fucks you up. im near a tree. come find me.
No. I didn't know. I thought mid afternoon shots meant the day could only get better.
U were yelling that I wasn't generous or supportive. Then you kneeled and said this weird prayer about the windows and doors of your life.
What vodka is american?
Skyy. I already looked it up for 4th of july.
I figure that my generation of my family needs an alcoholic. I'll take that burden.
Super awkward that I just now realized I added no verb to the first statement about super hero porn. We were watching it, not making it. Clarity.
If you can't drink with the big boys, give up your beer and go back to the playpen
If I had feelings, you would have hurt them.
So this is my life now? Laying in bed texting about Hulk penis?
OH GOOD GOD THE BUFFALO WING SAUCE IS BURNING MY FUCKING CUNT. WHY THE FUCK DID I AGREE TO SPICY AND NOT MILD
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
Randomize
