Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
i just licked my manager on accident and i'm freaking out
So I'm pretty sure I fucked the dept of homeland security guy on my kitchen table. No recollection of it, but there are signs.
i'm 6 minutes and 3 drinks deep before she gets here. she's do-able for a wednesday night, but i still need to mentally prepare, ya know?
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
Also, I'd like to add that that I'm not quitting my job, my boss fed me shots at 11 am this morning.
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
I've been ignoring his texts cause last night I put him in my phone as 'ignore for atleast a day' and I trust my drunk self.
You're about wine.
Yes, I'm like 90% wine at the moment
And as the acid sets in, he looks back at the shallow form he used to call his and whispers "3 pee pees strong"
And then I went through the chix filet drive through for breakfast in all my republican post sex glory
I came home and my mom goes "why are you barefoot and where the hell are your shoes?" and I replied "I have French fries"
In hindsight I shouldn't have been blasting Antichrist Superstar if I didn't want to seem suspicious driving up to a Catholic church
Randomize
