i kept saying "bloody hell" in a ron weasley accent until i forcibly told myself to shut up
My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
I'm like a wolly mammoth down there. what do I tell him?
Does this sound normal?...She's ironing on pictures of her dead cat to all of her green clothes...
he told me he was a chubby chaser.. then winked. i'm signing up for a gym pass as we speak
My time here is complete. I think I have now thrown up in every major degree programs building
Sorry I don't make house calls. You wanna get blown you come over here. It's like rock paper scissors but vagina ALWAYS beats penis
Apparently stumbling across interstate bridges is not cause for concern but screaming Wookie noises at cars is. Thanks, cops.
An old white couple caught us smoking the foot long. THE LOOK ON THEIR FACES.
I think I used my hospital ID to cut the coke last night. I need to swab it for residue at work today.
St. Patrick's day can kiss my ass. Still hungover. I guess I showed up at my gym blacked out yesterday morning. Like im not missing a gym day b
She said I'm like warm bathroom-sink water. There's nothing necessarily wrong with me, but she doesn't exactly want to "drink me in"
I just realized how terrible that was... I was drumming on your penis to a song about Baby Jesus.
GOOD MORNING! This is your wake up call! Just incase this text wasn't enough, I had sex on your bed last night while you were drunk hitting on my sister. Dan jizzed on your pillow! We rubbed it on both sides! Now get up and go to class!
He's a security blanket. A security blanket who FUCKS.
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