hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
hey, what are you doing? my roommates are gone for the night... you should come over ;)
nah, i'm gonna grab some food
Disadvantage of being gay..... my gag reflexes makes trying to make myself throw up extremely difficult.
Since my computer broke, i've been masterbating to girls gone wild. I feel like i'm in the 90's.
I was just handed a mimosa the size of my head. Stay tuned.
Woke up laying in the kitchen floor with a cup in one hand and the beer tap in the other. Guess I just needed that one last beer.
You look me right in the eyes and yelled "By the power of the superglue beer sword, I designate you my driver!" I almost felt honored.
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
I just tried to make cleaning gasoline off your shoes with toilet paper in the Chemistry Building bathroom look normal. I failed.
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
I told her I had a small penis. Then replied if Peter Pan won with a dagger then so can I
The Stanley Cup Final is killing me. I can't go to work drunk again.
There's a rash on my genitals that would like a word with you.
so i was about to call you for your birthday but then i started making out with this guy... and i feel bad but i felt like you'd understand
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
Randomize
