TLC. RIGHT NOW. PRIMORDIAL TODDLERS.
just prayed to lady gaga in hopes it will help me pass my fashion merchandising final...what is my life?
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
My ATM looks so different sober.
My penis has a 100% approval rating. He has never received a formal complaint. If you'd like to file one, you can go fuck yourself.
It's not really that big. Girls just think it feels big. It's a cocktical illusion.
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
We're in the kiddy pool eating marshmellows and drinking wine out of a box. Please dress casual.
i ended up making out with my new neighbor in a stranger's car that we found unlocked on a driveway somewhere. apparently drunk self never say "no" to adventure.
In local news "Man Stabbed With Golf Club" next person who tells me this is a safe place to live gets punched...
You threw up on his face 22 hours ago and now he's here holding your hand. I think he likes you.
The way I see it, there's 2 types of friends. Those you should do drugs with, and those you really,really shouldn't.
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
My favorite part was making you pull out your lucky steelers vibrator and show it to jerome bettis at the bar
He wanted me to do the rubix cube. He thought it was hot.
Randomize
