i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
By the way, shout wipes are a gift from god for people that throw up on themselves.
I dont think problem is the right word. Problems arent something you enjoy. Life would be too boring without gambling.
I only make drug deals in a British accent. It's my way of making sure it doesn't get too sketch.
Before I dignify that with an answer, let me get this straight. You're asking me if I wiped my ass on the towels?
Yeah, you're right, it's a conspiracy against you. This small tight knit group of people who don't like assholes.
Also, I might need your help for a prank involving a hand puppet, a coke bottle, double-sided tape, and my dick...
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
I'm crying at a bar by myself drinking a pear martini drawing things dicks are scared of. How was your day?
I'm pretty sure that our Lady and The Tramp Red Vine moment was the farthest I got last night
I need my daily rules like rule one don't put your dick in the vacuum cleaner
I spilled wine on my pillowcase and I figure it's basically my lifeblood so I'm just leaving it
I swear if you laugh while im moaning i will immediately stop and go home.
The awkward moment when you're leaving the most attractive guy you've ever been with and you're trying not to shit on yourself. Fucking welcome to my life
Randomize
