i swear to god her finding her clit was like looking for a sock in a dryer full of beach towels
if I hooked up with that creppy kkid in bio does that count as doing charity work during the holidays?
I had to stop messing around with him for fear of laughing in his face. I swear it was a pinky finger in his pants
Despite what happened tonight, Im still expecting Jesus birthday sex
Picture this: me driving down 183 throwing up into a towel. I just hit rock bottom.
There are apples in the microwave and a cup of twigs in the fridge. I think she's hiding in the pantry, I can hear her giggling. Leaving her to it.
to instagram or to not instagram the picture i took of when i shit in the urinal
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Wesley from the Princess Bride. I kept telling him what I wanted him to do and all he would say was "as you wish"
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
Next time you're baked eat baked beans and potato chips together. Like dip them in the beans. It's so good
Just read 119 best sex positions. I wanna try 107 of them. Can I put you down for 50?
So I got drunk last night and attempted to shave a landing strip on my vag. I now have a 8 lane highway on my crotch now. Just looks like a random ass square.
I'm gonna take a crap in the portashitter like a civilized human being.
my nose is crying tears of wow.
Well, I ruined his toilet and he's still completely okay with me. Plus, it took him like a week to tell me.
If a girl I didn't love ruined my toilet I don't think I'd stick around.
Randomize
