I'm giving up shame for lent. Here come the best 40 days and nights of my life.
Katy Perry is on a Proactiv commercial. That "I kissed a girl" shit is so much less hot now.
Woke up to 'distilleries' on the history channel. Proceded to vomit all over the floor. Back on the wagon today.
We agreed to not shave eyebrows when someone is passed out. douchebag.
also: i found my "nug jug", actually the baby did, but either way it got returned to its rightful owner
I am currently sitting on a candy bar to warm it up cause it was in the fridge so I can eat it while watching the last song and smoking weed by myself
Its not really a relationship, its more of a sex for booze program.
so I'm coping with getting the "I'm not over my ex" bomb dropped on me by getting drunk and yelling at people while wearing a purple princess hat
There was probably a tattoo above her soulless vagina that read 'it's a trap!' Yet you ignored it
i want to have his babies. i NEED to. shit i wont even ask for child support, he's that goodlooking.
I've learned life lessons in Vegas. Mostly, drugs are cheaper than alcohol.
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
We fucked like animals on that lion king beanbag chair that your mom got you for your 10th bday
I just gave my boss a blowjob. underneath his desk at work. that promotion is mine!
I just found a baklava I forgot I got last night so we can call it a day
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