dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
Intervention is following me on twitter.
wow.
If I come over right now will you promise to distract your grandpa in the morning so I don't have to do the walk if shame with 1940's style judgement?
some dude is stoned out of his mind in my calc class. just shouted that the teacher was a genius cause he got rid of so many numbers
I made out with all three roommates...I didnt realize that was actually an awkward situation.
Im blowing my nose and the only thing coming out is beer
My diabetic professor who apparently didn't eat anything all day keeps passing out. I gave him a joint. He's gonna be fine.
do you want to shower with me?
only if we can drink the jungle juice while we shower
My parents woke me up at noon to tell me my maid had found my clothes strewn all over the neighborhood
When you went off to sleep with that guy that looked like a dirty Jesus and I asked why all you had to say "trying to keep Christ in Christmas" and left. The Vatican called, you're going to Hell.
Also... I'm unsure what to do with my face while someone is choking me during sex. Like I feel like its hard to look flattering.
sweet Jesus, who thought 13 martinis was a good idea? 11 was probably sufficient.
I HAVE TOO MICH DICK TALKING TO ME IDK WHAT TO DO.
Does anyone remember last night? Because I still don't know why I now own a goldfish and a ceiling fan made of pizza?
I was singing Colors of the Wind and swigging vodka and still felt like more of an adult.
Randomize
