I pretty much can't stop smiling when I talk to you. Even when you talk about disease and infectious diarrhea.
It took him longer to undo my bra than he lasted..
My professor just suggested making the state of the union more interesting by turning it into a drinking game. Brilliant!!
I went to class with the sex aroma on me. The hot sun doesn't help much.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
And I know a few people wouldnt want to even be around high people. Which is sad. But jet packs are cool.
will you please stage a drunk girl intervention and tell him that his chain is severely harming his chances of getting laid tonight?
I just threw up on the floor. And we're gonna fuck on the beer pong table, so keep everyone upstairs.
A girl at the bar is wearing green body paint instead of a shirt. Where are you?!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
If this first date goes well and I like him, I won't sleep with him. But if it doesn't go well, I'll sleep with him.
I woke up at 4am on the floor covered in olive oil and fire extinguisher powder but all I wanted to know was where the rest of my booze was at.
apparently my new 420 ritual is to look at the clock at 4:20 and realize i'm already too high
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
His pet bird was perched ON HIS DICK.
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