I'm so hungover that the internet is hard.
Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
His shopping cart was nothing but malt liquor and zucchini.
I really like you, but I want to get to know you on a time when I am not at drugs.
Found him fucking some random drunk chick in the bathrrom at the blue lep with a beer in each hand. had to give him props.
so... the fat chick just walked over, shook my hand, then introduced herself as "versatile". shoot me now.
mom just made me 'sorry-you-have-hpv-pancakes'
Fuck that. I'm not afraid to die. I'll prove you can survive on a bagel bites and rum diet.
Cop came to our door looking for you. Something about sex in public and intoxication. I said you matched the description.
you taught an eight year old how to shotgun a half pint of chocolate milk, that's all i'm saying
So after your set last night some 42 year old woman bought me a drink, professed her love for your music, and then made out with me last night because she thought I was you. Thank you.
Just gave candy to a strange child. Not my best move.
I HAVE A TEST I'M SORRY YOUR UN SUCKED DICK ISN'T MY FIRST CONCERN
found my cat trying to steal a lighter to hide away for himself. cat what are you doing. don't pocket my lighter.
As I walked across the lawn after the party got busted, an officer told me to chug my beer before I left the premises.
Randomize
