All these guys look like the American Apparel version of Jesus...
My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
I'm drinking keystone with a homeless man I found. It's making me feel uncomfortable.
I know. I know. The man who pulled me from my mother's womb was the same man who had his fingers in my vagina today. My life is a joke. I don't know how to feel about this.
Its official the day you get back into town we are having a going away to jail party for me. My last wish before prison is to shit faced drunk with you, get into a fist fight, and then cuddle up and fall asleep. Just like old times <3
But the guy you're fucking should not be within ten pounds of your weight when you're five fucking feet tall and he's 6'2". That's all I'm saying.
We won't have time to talk.. I'll be rolling you a blunt and you'll be getting naked.
I look like a bag of dicks so if you could ugly yourself up that'd be great.
But I did discover that he's totally okay with going down on me while I eat taco bell so that's a plus, right?
Literally just sitting around waiting for someone to come along and fuck my chakras back into alignment
He fired me, I fucked his wife, we're even I think...
I felt like I crashed a wedding. Everyone was dressed so nice and I was covered in actual dirt and a little blood.
I had sex with two guys in one day. One on my grandma's couch, one on a golf course. This is the greatest post-surgery accomplishment I could ask for.
Why is no one on Snapchat tonight? I want to see other people having fun so I know it still exists.
And when were you going to tell me to stop dancing on his coffee table singing "come on irene?"
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