A big part of growing up is learning how to tastefully stare at women
You decided to make a porno with gummy bears and things went downhill from there.
I was literally just a half conscious dildo.
I asked my mom if I was the drunkest one in the room. With 8 days till I go back to school, I couldn't care less about being shitfaced at a baptism
They turned the water off again. Brushed my teeth with whats left from those pitchers of mojitos. So hung over i dont even care.
so, give him that "thank you for fighting for my freedom bj" & he wont even remember what you said in that six min voice mail.
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
I told him I'd go cook him breakfast, but ended up passing out on the kitchen floor in the fetal position spooning the dog
She walked home carrying a six pack of beer and someone elses cat
SHE BETTER HAVE BROUGHT BACK MY FUCKING COUCH CUSIONS OR SHES GUNNA GET IT.
You are driving me to get new toys, i am test driving them on the way home.
We are taking your truck.
Wait is this place where the strippers are missing teeth and I think one is missing a thumb? Though I don't know how she would maneuver on the pole without a thumb. Pls advise.
Probably shouldn't be looking at memes at my grandmother's funeral
They gave me 4 meds at the health center and said not to take alcohol with any of them. Guess ill wait until tomorrow to feel better.
I just found a nug casually in my room under my duffel bag. Is this a sign I need help?
all i'm saying is don't blame me if your purses are filled with whoppers
are we talking malt balls or BK?
Randomize
