Gonna be late. Someone jumped in front of our train.
things it involved: vodka, boy parts, possible photos of me on a cell phone. things it did NOT involve last night: my bra, his pants, and sobriety.
just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
The swelling on my elbow and tongue means I may have cockblocked myself.
Penises. Penises everywhereeeeeeeee. Penis ratio is sooo disproportionate. I can't NOT get laid tonight.
I also have a full keg. I'm thinking about crashing a party, they can't get mad if I bring a keg of beer.
If anyone ask I'm rushing for brotherhood, not so that this bartender will suck my dick
It's not really the holidays until I raid the medicine cabinet. Happy hydrocodone to me
And a merry methadone to all
I'm eating ramen over the toilet. Fuck my life
honestly my period and I are just as surprised to see each other every month
Honey you are a beautiful woman but I came over to eat your pizza and fuck your brother. And you're out of pizza.
I think it's your fault my nipples aren't sensitive anymore.
Someone wrote "LazerSwords" on my cock last night. My erect cock. Tequila is no one's friend.
is it bad that there is a girl in my bed right now and the only thing i can think about is the fect that its after 3am which means i cant order jimmyjohns unitll tomorrow?
Randomize
