I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
i slept with her, drove her to her sisters house to babysit, and then drove around the block where i met her sister and had sex with her in my van. I'm family Friendly!
I woke up with fried rice in my sweatshirt pocket came downstairs and found all the chicken in the fridge gone. I'm THAT roommate aren't I?
how did he go about obtaining bull sperm?
today's the one month anniversary of me not giving anyone head. can you tell me you're proud
it's sad that this is a milestone
Is all white too much for court to prove my innocents?
She just referred to her vagina as "this bitch".
When I was with you my penis felt like a fat woman crammed into a pair of lulu lemons
It's basically the same plan, only step one gets revised to "look hot enough that he forgets I fucked his roommate"
I got a 5/5 with my "I don't want a baby" rant essay. She said my use of the word "leeches" was a powerful metaphor :)
...I think I just watched a boy make a sandwich seductively. What.
Remember how I have such good luck that it's almost bullshit?
I'm afraid to ask, but go on.
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
So my step mom just informed me she tells stories about me at work as a form of birth control for the girls that work there, not sure if i should be offended or proud.
Randomize
