I think I know how big ted kennedy's penis is.
Seriously, stop peeing all over the toilet seat. It looks like movie theatre butter.
Fuck positive energy. I choose drinking instead,
I just had a Brazilian done for this guy. He's getting first-date sex whether he wants it or not.
I'm sorry. But when a stripper driving a Bentley tells me I have potential..... I gotta at least listen to her proposal. God did not mean for me to waste these tits on law school.
Dude I was taking a shower and I kept looking down at the drain expecting Mario to come up, yell "It's a me, Mario!", tickle my balls, and go back down the drain.
do you remember when we thought we were both knocked up by the same guy like two days apart and would have half twins? Thats a best friend moment.
Doing lines off a plate that says, "things go better with coke."
So, last night I fell asleep sitting Indian-style on the floor, propped up against the front of the couch with an empty wine bottle in between my legs... How was your night?
Some girl just ordered Chinese delivery to her therapy appointment...
He told me he was married and then fingered me on the kitchen counter. It was awkward to explaining the broken toaster to my roommates this morning...
I just realized I haven't got laid since the last time the Browns won.
Sooo i'm debating posing nude for the drawing and painting classes, I just wanna see if they draw my nip ring.
you woke up this morning in a laundry basket, only wearing rainboots.
I could be writing so much lesbian porn right now but noooooo!
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