On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
girl has like over 50 stars tattooed on her front, side and back. feels like i just fucked the universe.
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
How did she break his doorknob?
That was our fault. We put a chair under the doorknob so that she wouldn't wander out of his room in the middle of the night and jump into bed with her ex. But she's stronger than we thought.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
It's ok. I will share any beautiful men that I drug and leave unconscious on my bed. I'm that kind of friend.
Yeah I figured you were blackout when you were Shakira dancing on the floor.
telling her she was ovary-acting wasn't the greatest idea. doing it in a text so she could see your spelling was where you really went wrong, though.
He stared me down while singing "Let Me Love You" to me while we were having sex. I don't know whether to marry him or file a restraining order.
And the view of you in reverse cowgirl is arguably the most spectacular view ever... And I've seen the Eiffle tower, the colosseum, mountains of Hawaii, Michaelangelo's David, and the Mona Goddamn Lisa. Just saying.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
oh man that would be weird.. i feel like we should do dirty things before anything super intimate like a massage.
Knowing how to carefully mix my vices has to be the #1 skill I've gotten from pharmacy school
Currently looking up Winnie-the-Pooh porn.
i wish he'd fuck me as good as he is at karate.
I just threw up in the bushes and my gardener started clapping...
i havent showered for 4 days and i just made my dog smell my arm pit. also, im stoned.
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