Party's warming up, a tranny just got here...
I feel like our house is getting pulled over.
Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
"must pass the hog line" should not only be used in curling. but also when we go out to pick up girls.
He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.
Omg considering I am covered in cake and probably cocaine that is the greatest news I have ever heard
In need of cum proof mascara. Don't judge me.
She wants to fuck me. On a tennis court. In her tennis outfit. Is ring-shopping an acceptable 3rd date activity?
The less money I spend on drugs, the happier my mom will be.
Ok so I didn't mean for his first impression of me to be lying face down on his roommates bedrooms floor throwing up my jäger but it happened. Atleast my ass looked good in those jeans. Think I still have a shot?
This is exactly why you shouldn't bang your bartender. Although the awkward free shots are a plus.
DONT YOU DARE YELL AT ME. YOU'RE THE ONE WHO TRIED TO PAY FOR THE CAB WITH YOUR PANERA REWARDS CARD.
I hear my roommate snoring and I feel bad for his girlfriend but then I hear them having sex and I guess it all works out in the end.
So i woke up on a park bench... Using my shoe as a pillow, cuddling a empty handle of vodka... Yet I'm still in my living room. Someone please tell me why all my vodkas gone? I'll deal with the park bench situation at a later time.
You're a brave, albeit stupid soul for wanting in on the fuckery that comes attached to my vagina
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