drinking colt 45 because lando calrissian told me to
One night stand!! Now I'm pissing excellence
That burning is chlamydia
Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
There was a lot of him and a little penis
We probably shouldn't have forced that guys cat to drink the grey goose while we were doing lines in his bathroom
You will receive a large, large reward, worth much more than the actual phone you are holding, paid not only in cash but in sexual favors, if you return this phone! Please respond if you're interested in cash/sex/or just being a good person. Thanks and hope to hear from you soon!
There's puke on my pillow. I'm still wearing my wedges. And I have a cab drivers number clutched in my fist.
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
PAAAANTS ARE FOR AAAASSHOLES
i just had to pick up my 18 year old cousin from the police station for hosting a party, and i had to do this stoned wow
Plus i lost a button on my shirt and we got free drinks all night. Sorry I'm not sorry.
That moment during finals day when you either convince your teacher to let you out of the room or you shit you pants.
When did i become the Rickety Cricket of my own life?
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
Wakes up in a cold sweat at 3am, 136 unread messages and the preview on the notification is "I JUST GOT TO THE INCEST PART"
Randomize
