I'm surrounded by too many unhungover people.
I just made a 90's Nickelodeon TV theme song power hour mix...I don't want to build it up but your head might explode
homeboy just tried to sext with me at 8:30 in the morning while I was on a job interview...
so you did it...
obv...but still...it was inconsiderate.
My vagina just recognized that song.
He's had mdma poured down his throat. He's getting huggy.
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
He kept stopping sex to whisper in my ear, and the only thing I could understand was "double stuffed oreos"
You force fed me pizza in bed last night. That was fun
My signature move is making guys wonder why they bothered in the first place
We are in Florida for 3 days. The people in charge of shit brought: a waffle maker, a cheese grater and a SEWING MACHINE
AND NO VODKA
Good thing my vagina doesn't have a chronometer on it. I'm sure my fiance would be horrified. Probably 10 miles from this past weekend alone.
When I met you, I was just like "who the fuck is this drunk chick throwing up on my bed?" But I'm glad we're friends now
All my friends are getting married and I'm pole dancing in a tattoo shop. I don't know how I feel about this.
They spent thousands on one day. You made $76 in 30 minutes. You should feel great about that.
We turned his nipples into a drinking game.
What's a really polite way of saying "you have gravely overestimated the value of your vagina?"
Randomize
