He told me he looked up all the foods that make cum taste better and he put it all on his moms shopping list. she came through my line. this ones a keeper I think.
its like she was born with a silver dick in her mouth
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
The water bill last month was outrageous. We have got to stop fucking for hours in the shower
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
Golf group in front of us has 2 hooker caddies. One guy was getting a lap dance as he waited to tee off. Only in vegas.
she says she's going to shake me awake in 15min intervals if I pass out
this was your mom?
the fact that we had sex in the dining hall makes it seem so much more like home.
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
Why did I just get a ziplock baggie labeled "2010" on it from you in the mail?
It's 10AM, she's drunk blaring veggie tales and I have a paper to write you've got to be fucking kidding me
My dad picked me up from the bus station and as soon as he saw me he yelled "bus backwards is SUB!" and started laughing, I'm like 800% sure he's stoned. I'm so happy I came home for spring break.
I'm out of prison. Wanna start a band?
Should we make a shared Google doc list of places we want to fuck? Like a scavenger hunt?
Randomize
