i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
i think i just saw hanson at the grocery store. one might have been a girl. hard to tell. lets call that one taylor.
you asked the guy at 7-11 if he remembered when you came in and threw news paper every where... then you did it again
Get out of your relationship and into my pants.
i just dedicated my kegstand to your breasts
I've had more sex in the two weeks since we broke up than I ever had in any two weeks we were together.
Decided against hooking up with creepy stalker guy for a ride to work. I feel I've earned a few self respect points back.
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
Just found out I made out with the 40 year old Captain of the boat at the barge party. On the bright side he let me drive the boat so at least there's that.
You were talking to yourself and eating cold cuts in the kitchen when I found you
PLEASE AT LEAST MEOW SO I KNOW YOU AREN'T DEAD
Also, why does our bed smell like mayonnaise?
They want a bedroom just for their cats. And you thought we were gay.
He’s only in town today and our afternoon sex sesh kept getting interrupted by the neighbor’s kid yelling and screaming in the pool
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