you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
I literally sat down and peed with my underwear still on. How does that happen?
All I remember was yelling at him, "Its becasue of people like you that it took us so long to get to the moon!"
Seriously just heard: "we need some good ass wine. how bout this swa-vig-non blank"
hahahaha. Oh virginia: where the south begins
One fish gets drugged and suddenly I'm labeled a bad pet owner. This is so unfair.
The cab driver doesn't know where we can find an empire state building shaped dildo either!? What is wrong with NYC!?
I just canoed to the bar. I am a skilled drunk paddler.
It was pretty bad. Like cum-on-my-face-while-singing-Let-It-Snow bad.
Please tell me joes at work safe and sound and doesn't smell like jail?
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
Is everyone touching their nose at me a sign that I should stop snorting vicodin off my phone in the bathroom at school?
You're dating a nurse! That's smart, you never know when you'll have a medical emergency. Probably liver failure.
I'd have to have a ring. Like I don't want to be called "the ex girlfriend that shit on me"
you know you need to get laid when: getting wrestled to the ground in a self-defense class turns you on....p.s. this is a booty call
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