How do you get a cum stain out of a trampoline?
why does he think he needs to feed/take me out to get some ass? we are at a bar wasting my fucking time
woke up with a used condom shoved in my ear. i officially hate alcohol.
Tonight marks the 1 yr anniversary of me waking up in a bush. is that reason enough to celebrate?
our conversations pretty much only consist of the phrase 'fuck you'. and the sex is fantastic. we've got a great thing going here.
Just drove past the dude that came in your sock
Listen I know you hate her for what she did but this is getting our of hand. Please please tell me where you hid her wedding dress.
I vaguely remember Matt shouting something about "GET ON MY LEVEL!" at the bartender before he attempted to order a case of tequila from him.
Two people confessed their love to me last night. Drunk is a good color on me
The bachelorette started when I opened the door and they threw a few dozen dildos at me.
When Vanessa's kindergarten teacher called me in because she was caught with her hand down some boys pants in the bathroom, I knew you babysat last week.
My roommates said duck dynasty was stupid ... toto i don't believe we're in kansas anymore.
I'm too drunk to explain this to you. It's too hard.
Well, let me first tell you that jack and cokes were ONE FUCKING DOLLAR.. It's like the club wanted me to make poor choices.
Our conversation went from you choking me to my quarter life crisis reeeaaalllll quick.
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