i just woke up and "where the fuck is taco bell" was in my search engine...
I would kind of like a job that starts at 10:30 and i'll work til 7. I'm not very productive in the morning. My main focus is not puking from 9-11.
This guy just brought his piggy bank into the bar with him. Talk about corruption of childhood.
You bit the bartender when he refused to poor rum in your purse and hand you a straw.
It's ok I'm watering my plants with a 40 in my camelback, people are staring
No im just getting a road beer. You got my pants?
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
Dude I'm at a Marijuana dispensary party. They are giving away BAGS of edibles
How do you keep ending up in these situations?
My dad is their accountant
Also I'm sorry for asking you to shave my vagina for me last night
People will say "JOE YOU MUST TURN DOWN" and I will refuse, in the name of liberty.
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
...its technically supposed to be for the bridal shower but I think I can find an ensemble that says "im hopped up on x. Stick your tongue down my throat." As well as " im supporting your marriage to my brother"
Please tell me im imagining that i claimed that i was king of the ducks.
She's the other freshman on this drunken voyage
Randomize
