drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
I'm eating my dinosaur chicken nuggets in the order they would die in the food chain.
At the party. I feel like I just walked into a lifesize blunt.
Remember that time we became friends because I shotgunned a Tall Boy in your bathroom?
Those memories are both hazy and awesome.
I think the camel was justified in biting me.
In other news, shitting yourself is not an acceptable way to start a Thursday.
I seriously just caught my Pina colada from falling of a table perfectly facing up. I will now reward myself by finishing this one and then getting my 8th
i made up my own drinking game and i took a secret shot every time someone asked me about school or my future
Today is the day I die from a hangover. I love you, mom. Farewell.
It will be too late. I will have fornicated with the enemy by then.
I shit you not. Dude complemented me for being meme savvy. You could drown a toddler in my panties right now.
I just found (and ate) a chunk of a reese's that fell between my boobs. Problem is that I finished those off 3 days ago in a drunk induced sob session... Has it really been that long since I changed my clothes?!
How does fucking Canada get Justin Good Guy Take Me Now, Just Fuck Me In The House of Commons Trudeau, and our new President looks like he bathes in cheetoh dust and sin?
So he apologized for peeing on my floor.. then we fucked all night.
Real classy
Just so you know, I choose to answer your bootytext tonight because it was the most creative.
Randomize
