Culvers...So Good
So good. The butter burgers slip right outta my ass.
The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
my Econ professor just passed around his phone for us to take a pic of ourselves so he could learn our names. I am currently looking him up on my sex offenders app.
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
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I'm the only adult here not drinking and their 2 year old daughter is trying to play dolls with me.. I've never been so demoralized in my life.
dude you cant keep breaking into my house just to raid my fridge.. especially at 3AM.
Is that you who's passed out on my treadmill?
My bullwhip has saved my life tonight and gotten me laid. I'm gonna be Indiana Jones every Halloween!
Come make me food. I feel like if I go in the kitchen I will just get Gin.. and pass out in there.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
You pissed off the back deck while listening to the national anthem from your phone screaming America Fuck Yea to my neighbors
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
I got my period on eclipse day. I'm officially in line with the moon.
Happiness is laying in bed, topless, pouring 4 packs of hot sauce on your taco bell.
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