There's just this way he looks at me that makes me want to suck his soul out through his dick.
Why didn't you tell me that Dad was a registered sex offender?
We were going to tell you eventually, how'd you find out?
Our school resource officer showed us how to use Family Watchdog and pulled up his picture.
What is wrong with this kid? He'll take ecstasy but won't take dayquil?
I hope to God 2011 is the year I stop loving tequila.
Girl walking by was talking on the phone about how he needed to write a gratitude list in her letter to god this week. Too stoned
the potatoes in the margarita machine wasn't the breaking point. its when he turned on the stove and put a bunch of bottle rockets on it that i knew the night had prematurely failed
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
They make twin pack pregnancy tests for girls like us
I am his drunk Jesus. I will love him from afar because he's my little lamb
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
Like he and the nurses kept being so persistent with it and I just wanted to run out of there in my backless gown and yell FUCK OFF BITCHES IM OUT
I just talked this guy out of hooking up with me and gave him relationship advice. Am I a good person now?
Will you remind me I changed my hotspot phone password to fuckyouprivilegedwhitedude
I should've negotiated that before I sat on his face.
you asked how they got the microwave in the air. we had to explain three times that it was mounted there until you finally feel asleep
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