Last night i was so high that i came home and did a taste test of every vitamin water and wrote theyre grade down on paper.
watching elf naked is so much better than watching it with clothes on .
dude I heard her through my door. She sounded like you were holding her head under water and they letting her up for air. I recorded that shit
So when you said you wanted to make a clay replica of my boobs and hang it above your bed you actually meant it?
Speaking of roommates, Kelsey and I woke up to urine in our trash can. Neither one of us is willing to admit to it so we've come to the conclusion that someone snuck into our room in the middle of the night
If after tonight I can still walk on my own, take me to another bar.
she vomitted in her champagne, said "fuck it, it's new years", and continued drinking.
So, I'm playing the Doctor Who drinking game with my dogs, but they don't understand quite when to drink. Still counts as successful, though, right?
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
I'm counting my small victories this morning. For instance, I haven't puked at work yet.
Before you jump in that vagina remember there's a reason we call her Infectonator.
Dude, I'm telling you, date younger. He brought pizza, made me squirt twice, and then left to immediately go to brunch with his mom.
DO NOT TRY TO APPROACH HER CAT. IT IS A DEMON CAT FROM SATAN'S BALLS AND IT *WILL* TRY TO KILL YOU. I SPEAK FROM EXPIRENCE.
We fucked like animals on that lion king beanbag chair that your mom got you for your 10th bday
Randomize
