John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
Your noise violation report contains the word "five-some"...wtf happened in here?
The used rubbers I threw behind her bed all semester must have landed on the baseboard heater. They went up in smoke when she turned on the heat last night.
We looked at pictures of a Texas banjo contest from 2006 for a half hour and then were surprised by who won. That stoned.
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
Valentines day isn't about being a couple in love..... It's about chocolate and faking orgasms.
I think it says something about my life when I start picking up girls while im in rehab. And I don't think it's good.
you invented a new sport called "bacon pulling" and you cried everytime a piece broke
Send me a pic of your kids to remind me why I have morals.
yeah...well...life isn't all puppies & lap dances
Now that mom and dad sold the camper, do you think it's okay to talk about all the sex I had in it?
You burped in your shoe and whispered 'you're mine now'
Why did my mother make you get naked?
You have my heart. You only share my vagina.
Who else has a jello penis in their fridge?!
Randomize
