Mr ***** is in bed with his super hot wife giving her 18 inches of pleasure
her voice honestly makes me want to vomit. i have springsteen cranked up all the way.
Dude, I totally just put a lit lighter to my hand for 10 seconds
How much beer did you get for it?
One ice cold coors, but those mountains lied
The make-up sex just reminded me why we broke up in the first place.
all i remember is you climbed in a garbage can and said you were trashed
There is only so much cookie dough and masturbating I can handle in one night.
standing in the yard with no pants on waiting for google maps to come and take a picture.
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
You stood next to him taking HUGE gasps of air in an attempt to second hand smoke his cig because you didn't have one...
I'm eating dry tortillas on a mattress without a sheet. and i thought my life would change after graduation.
I owe you a thank you for last night. Only you could go up to a guy, ask if he likes my boobs, and return later to find us in a full on dance floor makeout sesh. Well played.
He ate the contents of an ashtray and didn't puke, I think he can handle drinking a fifth to himself.
He wasn't excited for the fifty shades of grey trailer, so I told him we're done
I've never been to an orgy, but I would assume nachos wouldn't be out of the question at one.
His dog hid my thong. Let me tell you, the last thing you want during a commando mini skirt walk of shame is lots of wind. There’s a church congregation that knows all my business
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