I'll be waiting for you under the stairs with peanut butter and tequila ... Don't tell the neighbors
masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
FUUUUUCK she froze all my quaters inside the ice cubes again
Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
I found a horn on the street but it's okay I disinfected it with vodka
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
I think I just saw my 8th grade band teacher trying to pick up a hooker
rumor has it I kept asking you to go to the "tall grass" with me...sorry about that.
Am I really that girl who walks around half naked wearing a cowboy hat begging for liquor at some random guys house
You gave me your shirt to use as a napkin every time I spilled beer on myself. Before we went to the bar.
Also, I guess I made friends with the guy who caught me peeing behind a bush.
Apparently coming home smelling like I took a bath in beer is frowned upon in this household. I'm so glad I don't actually live here.
So... I woke up on a bench with a honey bun on my chest.
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
Randomize
