I think I died a long time ago.
He dyes his hair, fake tans and lies constantly. What did you really expect from him?
A better fuck for starters.
you didnt have any toilet paper so I just took a shower
I understand. Hypothetically what should one do after throwing up in the shower?
I swear there's a gravitational pull from your vagina to large groups of men in uniform.
There is a guy dressed as Captain America in the theatre. I want to make out with him even though I have no idea what he looks like. Wish me luck, I'm going in.
A 40 year old man just put his hands on my thighs and said in these exact words "you're so beautiful and gorgeous and innocent. But life sucks and you'll probably turn into a whore."
There are reggae songs being written about me...where have I gone wrong in life?
I am gathering blankets and bags of horse grain to pad my truck bed so I have a comfy place to crash when I get home, without the inconvenience of stairs. Or doors. Or walking. But with the refreshing scent of molasses.
I just rolled a blunt and took my bra off. I'm not going anywhere.
I had a dream I got back with Amanda. And then cheated on her the same day. Even my conscious is a dick
pray to the hookup gods
Meeting him up for him to pay half of the Plan B was awkward but worth it cause I'm broke as fuck
You literally asked him, “Do you come here often? Do you want to visit my vagina?” With no hesitation
I spent half my night explaining that i'm in an open relationship to the guys that I liked, and the other half of the night explaining that I have a boyfriend to the guys that I didn't like.
Randomize