I need to shower the guilt off of my thighs.
dibs on John Mayer's hood pass
i distinctly remember leaping through the apartment to rescue the clam chowder burning in the kitchen
The pine trees are waving at me.
Put the pipe down honey.
Hi trees.
No... No really he actually thought the condom was meant for his hand...
Also: how drunk is your brother? He just left me a message as batman.
im sober
you just pulled your sweatpants out of your bag and thanked them for being alive
Dude, you chugged an entire bottle of tomato sauce and got us free drinks for the night. No way was I gonna stop you.
We got hammered last night and I woke up this morning with texts from 'iron maiden chick.' wtf?
I'm 99% sure I just flashed my dad with my vagina. So that's the new low now.
I'm so hungover I just peed on my hand and left it, didn't wash... Killin it in 2915
I had to fake it. He was punching my vagina like it owed him money and enough was enough.
Why can I remember how tall Nicki Minaj is from looking up her height once months ago, yet after weeks into the semester I can't even remember where any my classrooms are located
Importance
is 250 jello shots considered an open container?
You know. You being in a happy healthy relationship is REALLLYY cutting into our drinking alone together time.
Randomize
