if you wake up with plaid pants on your floor in the morning, you made a bad decision.
Goddamn it, are you fucking her sister?
did you know it's going to storm tonight?
You bitch. At least tell Laura she's a better kisser.
If a man's penis is referred to as "the family jewels" does that make a woman's vagina a jewelry box?
So does it count as really great road-head if he ran over 3 mailboxes before realizing he was off the road?
I'm not trying to alarm you guys, but I think I just swallowed a ketchup packet.
in the middle of fucking he asked me if i had gotten a haircut because he noticed i didnt have split ends anymore. i dont know what to think
She only spoke Russian, but she was so gorgeous it didn't matter
Oh. I think she ate all the cake and took our vodka...still gorgeous.
I just spent a pre-4th of july celebration riding in a raft being towed by a car through a town that I've never heard of handing out flyers for a river rafting company that I never knew existed. Good night.
WELL I DIDNT KNOW IT WAS POSSIBLE TO COME SO HARD YOU HAVE AN ASTHMA ATTACK BUT HERE I AM
How are you and your magical vagina doing today?
Have you ever wondered if we are just made up characters in someone's head? You'll have to forgive me right now I think I have 7 thumbs
I'm sorry you had to knock him out on your birthday. But that also means I won the bet that you'd hit someone so you owe me 40. dollars
Hey? Just a hypothetical. You ever accidentally kill somebody's cat on purpose? Like you didn't mean to but it had it coming? If you're wondering it tripped me while I was walking down the stairs and I landed on it as I fell.
Also, in case they didn’t tell you… there is a chicken living in your old room… so I would assume cleaning that is now on them
only 3 drinks in and he showed me his fursuit, please come pick me up
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