all we ever talk about is how much i like your dick or my drug problem.
She just got back from rehab. You dont celebrate that with margaritas.
i told her my name was noah and she leans in and whispers "that makes me so wet." ive never been more thankful for the Notebook
Drunk. Just jacked off for the third time in an hour. I love not being Catholic anymore.
Just getting around to doing laundry. Jesus there's a lot of blood on my birthday dress.
I wanna get shitfaced and yell about Tim tebow
Gym?
Sweet baby Jebus, no. I'm Motley Crue hungover. This must be how it feels to rail a line of ants.
Look. If you're going to be my girlfriend you need to be down with me licking BBQ off your face infront of kids.
I do believe that seeing camel toe in leopard print pants at Walmart is the closest I will ever come to going on a safari
I just want to nap and funnel a bottle of wine in a cute dress
Pants are for mortals
At what point in a new hookup do you tell the guy you need to wear a mouth guard when you sleepover because of your TMJ? Asking for a friend.
as a guy is it bad that even my mom called me easy?
Well I thought I saw everything and then I saw Christmas themed poop bags at Petco.
If she didn't have scissors in her hand I would have motor boated the fuck out of her when she was done cutting my hair.
Randomize
