About to do something stupid. You'll be my call. Bring bail money.
I am not a stalker...i just bring a whole new meaning to the word love
I was eating her out when she coughed, I just swallowed a bright red blood clot
All I remember is apologizing to his sister for being a bad influence while I was throwing up into a big gulp cup.
My hanfda are one with the u niverse and I am cirretnly inhaling a couch
I have whiskey and jager. There's no telling what kind of monster will emerge
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
I can't help but feel like we would be friends still if my phone didn't always capitalize BUTTLOAD...
I'm pricing out a roll of that wax butcher paper. We fuck too messy and I can't afford to wash them every afternoon.
He challenged me to a drink off, I couldn't just say no. It was a matter of pride really.
And as he was cursing your name from the bathroom you were ordering yourself another drink on his tab. The poor bastard had no clue you were a pro drunk
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
yea I went to the store high again.. I think we're having pie for dinner.
I came in like 30 seconds, and my dog got to watch me take the walk of shame to the bathroom to clean up. All in all, not my best performance.
Puked in the trash can. Took a bite of someone's breadstick and kept dancing and drinking
Sorry for peeing on your books last night. I wouldn't leave them next to the window anymore.
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