you poured 3 beers into an empty vase and then passed out, so i drank them for you. don't say i'm not a good friend.
mondays should just be called national damage control day
my mom just asked me, concerned, if I swallowed.
she said my body looked tiny like it was a bad thing and then didn't even mention how great my tits look. it's like we're not even friends.
the awesomeness of being snowed in wore off after we ran out of beer and we realized we really didnt want to be stuck with everyone.
I told the girl who was peeing in the garbage can she must have had a lot of upper body strength.
they drunkenly created an obstacle course for the poor hamster and its ball.
Hey it happens. Think of it this way- you didn't wake up in jail, your face wasn't inexplicably busted and you still have all your teeth. In this group of friends, you're on top!
Kinda awkward to hear your aunt complain about loose women when you're in town to be a stunt dick for a swingers convention. Just sayin.
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
She was on top, but I lost her at "alright, you look like predator."
He literally knows my vagina better then I do.
The modern romantic, surprising his gf w/ a gram of blow
someone at the bars was yelling at the bouncer to let him in because he "just passed through the 7 levels of the candy cane forrest" soulmate?
go meet him and give him your number.
yeah, last night we handcuffed you and you started crying saying that you weren't a bad person
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