After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
I feel like he knows I had a dream about him eating me out in the janitors closet at the holiday party. He's giving me THAT look.
i've officially fucked a sailor, a policeman and a biker. I've never noticed my Village People fetish until now...
was his dick as big as our hopes and dreams?
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
i hope youre ready for a shit show because we just ordered a whole pitcher of red headed sluts
It's embarrassing enough people in my life are aware of the ridiculous things that happen to me. I don't think we need to get the whole world involved.
It's sitting in bleach right now. You will be the creepiest coolest dude in my book if you made a bracelet from my tooth.
Is it possible to sluttify a hobbit costume? Cause if so, this will be my biggest accomplishment.
I was driving around a golf cart with a keg in the back before I got caught by the cops. First slow speed chase ever
You would only karaoke to Spanish songs, but sang with the accent of the french candle stick in beauty and the beast.
He told me that he wants to fuck me only wearing a princess tiara...How could I possibly say no to that?
he’s basically the devil with a fuck boy hair cut and chlamydia
So. Um. Hypothetically speaking...how would one get a squirrel out of the house?
Can you dump a guy for having pierced nipples or is that shallow?
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