will power is for people who don't want to get laid
she's throwing a head of lettuce everywhere shouting HEADS UP and trying to get us to play catch with her. i'm scared.
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
Me focusing on not shitting my pants is keeping me awake.
Let us do this. Tomorrow night is thirsty Thursday. Let us drink whiskey from the bottle and have men in plastic gloves inscribe permanent images of each others faces onto our buttocks.
I mean I love some drunk compliments, but he just wasn't up to my low standards.
I'm out of prison. Wanna start a band?
You thought there were zombies attacking us so you tried to tuck and roll out of a moving vehicle. Also you should consider wearing underwear
Handcuffs. Recoverd. I'm a goddamn detective.
For a second I thought I had fallen asleep on the floor and freaked out. Then I thought somehow I was on drugs. This is my life.
Funny story... I got into my car and my porn started playing over my Bluetooth.
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
I woke up this morning fully clothed with a dart in my pocket
I currently hiding in an upside down garbage can please come find me
I'd kiss your neck and collarbone and then run my tongue up your neck to just behind your ear
And then lightly kick the curve inside your ear
Randomize
