My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
i can totally tell he's high. he's having a conversation with my dog.
I woke up while squatting on top of my bed peeing on my comforter and my laptop
I don't want to eat him, he probably tastes terrible.
And nobody saved him?? That chick had like three teeth TOPS
Cognac is not meant to be taken in shots. I just wanted you to know the desperation of last night.
I can't believe you're trying to guilt me into a blow j because a tornado made you homeless.
Is it working?
totally just got a week extension on my midterm by telling my prof that I had just found out I was adopted
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
i have a queen bed, a cherrywood bed frame, and gold sheets. how are you saying no to me right now?
I just wanna get hammered somewhere crazy. Meet some chicks. Bang them and then go scuba diving.
That's probably when I climbed a tree and told everyone I was an ornament
I swear to fucking god if he takes away netflix I will have no problem sending his gf our sex videos
on a scale of one to ten where does vomming from being hungover during a professionalism lecture fit
I can’t tonight. I’ve got to see about a penis
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