Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
I can feel you judging me through the phone.
Let me rephrase. Would it display my intentions too much if i walked all the way across my office and into the bathroom carrying my book
And I was somehow convinced to wash the glassware at the bar topless.
I guess I'll put a green shirt on. Also, I just snorted some protein shake power. That doesn't have anything to do with St. Patrick's Day. I just wanted you to know in case i die.
I feel like a fucking princess. Like an heiress of a kingdom of drugs.
Just now remembered singing Trashy Women at the reception. Not karaoke, just sang along with the mic I stole from the DJ. All while still in my dress drinking champagne from the bottle
You've been drinking wine and eating bacon all afternoon. HOW IS THAT DOING GOOD?!?!
He showed up in a dinosaur costume bearing a tray of cupcakes. He even let me hold his tail. I'm marrying this guy.
its just been over 12 hours, and i`m dying, don`t know how i`m supposed to survive the holidays sexless
you're usually drunk when you offer. there's one time you called me, told me not to dye my hair red, and asked if i wanted to see your tits.
I mean, with your nipple problem im surprised. #hangacoatonem
come over. We can flirt with the criteria for substance abuse and talk about our daddy issues
You passed out and I didn't draw a penis on your face. Sister of the year.
I just licked honey off my own tit. Is there anything about that which doesn't SCREAM single???
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