I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
omg I just had an epiphany about why I grew into such a whore....
HAVE YOU EVER NOTICED WHAT THE SPICE GIRLS USED TO WEAR?!? those were my idols, I never stood a chance
You tried to pay for our cab with the 2 dollars you got from selling your natty ice outside the strip club.
Only at Harvard can you walk in on a bunch of stoners and expect everyone to immediately stand up, shake your hand and introduce themselves like we're at a fucking job fair
I knew no one else would have gone along with it since it's morally wrong and probably illegal. You said, "Yes. And let's add fireworks."
Let's go dancing. I wanna sprain an ankle. And a labia. My labia or yours. I'm not picky.
Best thing she said after I kicked her out "rugby guys have single handedly ruined my faith in men"
i love how you just walk into that dealer's house every time without knocking, yet you don't even know his name
Fuck it, if you can't drink cheep beer and whiskey with me, I don't want you.
Apparently, im the only one in the world who thinks Larry King is hot.
Found her grinding on my boss with her tongue down her throat last night. Guess who just got promoted!
Dude, you fell into a tree, and both of the tables, AND the window well... Resilient aren't you?
it was weird going down on him. His picture of Jesus was staring at me the entire time...
My ovaries melted while we were talking. I almost told him I would suck his soul out through his dick
That would be a memorable parent teacher conference for sure
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