what is it about summer that misdirects my moral compass so much?
Everything was going good until she wanted to update her status...You forgot to close pterodactyl porn from this morning. Clothes went back on.
I'm not really sure how I got home, but judging by this headache, i'm assuming it involved bourbon.
Moms kinda upset I threw up in grandmas bedroom. I think ill stay in tonight.
What happened to "I wouldnt even touch her with a ten foot pole"?
Her vagina devoured it.
I don't remember what happened but judging from the contents of my pockets it had something to do with potatoes and glo in the dark condoms
Can u check his last FB check in, then come pick me up from there. Blame it on the tequila
sea world and a strip club? BEST DAY EVER!
Think I just subconsciously wanted a cigarette and started sleep walking to Carl's.. Didn't realize what I was doing until I found myself in an elevator.
I really really need to have and out of body experience just so I can talk to myself about this shit that I'm doing with my life.
MY MOM IS GOING TO SMOKE WITH ME.
SHE'S GOING TO SMOKE HIGH QUALITY MARIJUANA WITH ME.
Is it bad that I coached my cousins 6 year old boy to steal a 30 rack of keystone out of an unattended cooler at our family reunion, or was I just giving him a social head start in high school? I err on the side of awesome.
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
She asked what the dent on the hood of my car was from..i think she knows we had sex up there
Nothing personal but yes I would be suspicious If I saw 3 guys and 2 girls in the same bathroom stall together
Randomize
