By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
so i woke up this morning thinking _____ was in bed with me. . .but it was only a half eaten sonic burger
After that we used the in-room hotel coffee pot to warm up some queso. it was brilliant
I just learned you can mail a coconut. I'll be over in 3 days with the rum.
the doctor brought back painful memories by lecturing me about your teeth marks that are still on my dick.
I just had to blow my nose on a mcdonalds receipt in my car. Its time to stop doing coke.
I thought I would take a shower to wake me up but now I'm naked wet and stoned laying on my bed instead of just stoned laying on my bed
Just living on dreams and a bed of used condoms
She has the perfect pussy. Looks like a paper cut with a puff of cotton candy on top.
I'm 50% sure my cousin put weed in these deviled eggs.
Its official... I need to stop being so slutty.. the guy I had sex with on friday delivered my jimmy johns tonight.
I renamed some of my contacts in my phone before passing out and I have one I cant figure out, its "fucking house elf scum"
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
yeah, my mom got it for me because it had animals AND alcohol.
On the brightside we know now that empty pringle cans are accepted at mcdonalds as cups.... Screw people who judged us, we saved a buck
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