PS- did you die? If you did just text "dead" to me, so that I know.
I just walked in on my roommate beating off with no pants on, an unbuttoned hawaiian shirt and a cowboy hat, and he weights 300 pounds
I mean come on, he's the best quarterback in the state and doesn't even know how to put on condom
oh good. ive just found out that i went downstairs at 6 am still blacked out and had a 30 minute conversation with my mom about the different ways to feed our dog
His ankle bracelet went off in the middle of sex. That makes a girl reevaluate her life...
You said you wanted to start a restaurant called 'Barbecue' where everything is barbecued. You sounded really proud of your concept.
your bra might or might not be a decoration on me and my roomies xmas tree haha
I just showered sitting down with a sippy cup of water in there with me. It took 40 minutes. That hungover.
She described me as " a caterpillar of adorable quietness that exploded into a slutty butterfly" She definitely nailed it there
Well his arms broken so they only cuffed his good wrist to his belt. That's how he cast smacked me in custody.
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
Too bad I can't un-pee in his body wash
Do you not realize that being Batman fulfills about 95% of my non-sexual fantasies?
yeah. i tried to refuse to leave unless the burger king himself escorted me out. that didnt fly
Do you knowhow much it sucks to puke in an automatic toilet? Not fun.
Ew.
It takes talent let's just say that
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