We're going on a mission for new porn. And ice cream.
It's always a relief to be able to look at some one, and remind yourself that there IS some one who gets laid less then yourself.
Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
Tuesday night just isn't my ideal coke binge night.
if theres anything i pride myself on, its my ability to look homeless.
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
You would be my first round pick for a drinking team
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
I like to get drunk just like anyone else but not to the point of sticking a rubber tube up my asshole
Well tech shes born nov 12, but since her head was out on the 11th, she claims both days as her birthday
Circle jerk is a real thing. It looks like five innocent virgins in a closet at my brother's bar mitzvah. Yeah, I walked in on that.
I think I'm in the negatives for the quantity of fucks given today.
I deserve to have sex with a hot freshman ok
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
Call me Sherlock Holmes, bitch.
Randomize
