Hey you
You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?
Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
At this point I feel like i'm never going to be sober, and it's frightening
To put it in a frame of reference with which you're familiar, it was like making out with a golden retriever.
just chugged some gatorade and threw it up. todays gonna be awesome
At least I know she didn't hear me crawl to my room. Or did I walk on my hands? Fuck if I know.
I think you have the right to know, the water bottle you drank out of the other night is the bottle we use to catch what drips from the toilet. Love you!
If the world would stop letting me feel invincible I would probably stop doing this shit.
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
I've never said "lesbians" so many times in a short response answer
who has a one night stand on Christmas ? But he's pretty attractive so thumbs up
It's dollar drink night and I have my honors society initiation tomorrow. Somehow I think this will not end well.
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
Randomize
