Tell mom and/or dad that I am going to be home late. I am really blazed. Don't tell them that part, though.
Michael Bay is the white Tyler Perry.
its like playing clue every morning after we party. she did him in the kitchen with..oh god.
this episode of spongebob makes me wish crabby patties were real
Is there anything medically wrong with drinking beer from a vagina?
How did the beer even get there in the first place?
That's not what's important right now
we just drove by a car that was painted for a grad, it said "you done it!" with a confederate flag bumper sticker next to it. i love kentucky
Please do NOT set off the smoke alarm when I am tied to the bed like this...
Is drinking before noon still a bad idea if you invent an amazing cocktail?
You fucked two dudes in the same night and still went home to your cats. How does that happen?
So, Cheetos don't microwave great.
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
I've seen you go skiing on a Tuesday, but you think you're too good for TGI Friday's?
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
Im so fucked up I'm drinking baileys and coffee just to stay awake.
It's 6 in the afternoon?
Randomize
