Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
just used clorox wipes to give myself a whores bath. hello finals week
what are we doing this weekend?
I have enough booze to get us through Armageddon...which basically means that on Sunday we will have to make a trip to the liquor store.
I feel like all of the victims from Seven. Best birthday weekend ever.
sometimes after I smoke and the high has gone away...the high will come back like three hours later for a brief yet gripping ride.
that's usually when I end up in someone's house, having sex with someone else, while that someone's roommate makes us mozzarella sticks.
Maybe you should start carrying pepper spray. You are like the Justin Bieber of lesbians.
I can't believe she made out with my 15 year old brother. That kid can seriously pull.
Next time you're baked eat baked beans and potato chips together. Like dip them in the beans. It's so good
I'm sorry but the visual image of you suffocating on vagina is basically hysterical
i dont know whats worse..that i woke up in a gorilla suit or that its covered in peanut butter
I'm warming McDonald's pies on my heater cause I'm too high for the microwave.
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
Did I call him? He cried after taking my bra off. You tell me.
I have a burn on my hand, I'm covered in bruises, I think my toe is broken, and I have no clothes to wear home.
Randomize
