ask me if i forgot to go to a midterm today
the table of underagers at this wedding were seated 10ft from the open bar. currently 30 open containers on the table for 5 people. dinner hasn't even been served yet.
Confirm for me that it's be a bad idea to sleep with the 50 year old that's currently hitting on me?
She just told me she's too full for a reach-around. Sad.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I found an HIV test/information brochure on the kitchen table and what i can only assume to be an "I'm sorry you might have AIDS" gift bag, complete with a candle and popcorn, and I haven't seen you in 36 hours. You good?
You went to jail last night?!
Just a little bit.
gona look into getting a tetanus booster and carrying an adrenaline shot...its going off this weekend
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
Was your wine and cheese snap taken from the toilet?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I will show up on your front porch in a wet t shirt and some mac and cheese
I never thought in a million years that I would have a threesome with my boss and his wife and yet here we are.
My cat licked the coke mirror and now is giving me dirty looks. Bet money she has the drip.
Can't beat it when the local bar sends you off with a loaf of bread on the way out the door.
Scientific fact: if he makes a face like a demonic dog when he's fucking you, makes it easier to fuck without feelings.
I trusted a fart in Toronto. NEVER TRUST A FART IN TORONTO.
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