Then he took his girlfriend's fuzzy handcuffs and locked me to their bed. Key is in an unknown location. He's surprisingly idiotic, for being premed.
Okay, lets just agree to keep all cutlery related activities to a minimum.
She made me go down the fire escape when her mom came for breakfast.
I need to find a more grown up way of dealin with a hangover at the office than pringles and mountain dew at 8:30 am...
He waited until after foreplay to tell me that he didn't have a condom and "we" would just have to settle for a bj tonight...
It's times where you wake up in the hospital after trying to road surf that you wonder what you're doing in life.
No lie. I was hooking up with a former football player at UT and mid-hookup I yelled "I'M FRATERNIZING WITH THE ENEMY"
Also, just woke up in a Romney tank and sequin flag panties. Merica.
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
I don't mean to crush your hopes and dreams but having sex IN the Stanley Cup isn't possible
I'm excited for him and his new girlfriend. I'm just going to miss his penis is what I'm saying.
You sat on me. Like I was a toilet. While I was on the toilet. You peed a little.
Wanna go get tea? Warning: I will be high in an hour.
I'll give you some leg action but I'm not showing you anything else until your penis admits it loves me
Why did I wake up with a skeleton in my bed? Is it from the lab?
Oh crap, that's where it ended up. Yeah, don't ask.
Randomize
