his dog just threw up on me too. its like im a throwup magnet to that family.
I heard porn and smelled bacon cooking. I knew you had to be home.
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
Hold on there are flying pancakes I can't handle this right now
Why is there not a 'day after acid' genre. Or even a pandora station or something.
She said I had the biggest dick she'd ever seen. And when you consider how many she's come in contact with, it's kind of like winning the heisman.
Her boyfriend only talks to me because I know her period schedule
Either you made a spaghetti vodka smoothie last night, or you puked in the blender.
Found a 10-can wizard staff hidden in our closet. Did we cut someone off?
That's yours. We cut you off.
Trust me man, I did not put any cookies down your pants when you slept.
I would totally lead with that as a line.'So, I was on Legends of the Hidden temple as a kid.. Your place or mine?'
im on the hungover til tuesday pabst blue ribbon diet
I'm drunk, I'm covered in pizza, and I'm watching Jurassic Park. I feel like you'll get this. xx
But I mean how many guys can say they get blow jobs and grilled cheese with football
Now, I know I say this a lot, but you've obviously never seen my penis.
Randomize
