I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
Twist it, pull it, flick it... Bop it was like the first time I touched myself.
My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
We're going clubbing with matching soccer jerseys on.
What will that accomplish?
It will accomplish clubbing with matching soccer jerseys on.
Bad idea. College students cannot afford both alcohol and a cat. Unless said cat is irish, and can feed itself with fifths of whisky.
mom found the triscuts in her underwear drawer, its done.
He caught a squirrel with his bare hands twice. Where do you find these people?
Oh god. Just tried to hail a pizza delivery car. Awkward.
International sake day = success
I keep looking at his nude pics and crying because ill never see it in person again.
You screamed at oncoming traffic , "five dollars to punch this guy in taint!".
I made out with a dude last night who has an ex wife. Is this what post grad life is about?
Apparently we stole a dog last night. I woke up and it was just staring at me. But we fed it left over KFC for breakfast so it's cool.
One day i'll wow you with artfully trimmed pubes.
I'm sure there's been a weekend in 2014 we were sober... Clearly it wasn't fun, bc I can't recall it. Point proven, alcohol is key.
Good rule of thumb: only list personal references with whom you have hallucinated
Randomize
